Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. Try these skills from the Gottman Institute to help communicate more effectively.
Ever feel stuck when trying to communicate with your partner? It feels like you are speaking a different language? Or maybe no matter how you say something it still feels like they don't hear you?
You're not alone.
These speaking and listening skills from John Gottman's What Makes Love Last? book might provide a way for you both to work on communicating.
Remember that relationship skills are something you both have to agree upon, make sure to ask your partner if they are willing to try these skills with you. If they agree, you will feel less alone, and it is more likely to be helpful.
Gottman made it easy to remember by matching the skills to the six letters of ATTUNE:
Speaker's Job
A= Awareness
T= Tolerance
T= Transforming criticisms into wishes and positive needs
Listener's Job
U= Understanding
N= Non-defensive listening
E=Empathy
Speaker's Job
Let's look at each one starting with speaker's job, awareness. The goal is to discuss the issue without triggering flooding, or overwhelming your partner. When you communicate with
awareness, you are holding back your own flood gates of criticism, blame, and accusations. Start with "I" statements, which can sound like "I feel discouraged when you _____." Keep the "when you_______" part short as well, try to be as specific as possible, so that it doesn't turn into blame and rejection. Stay on topic, it can feel easy to include other issues, or use blanket "always" and "never," but as we know, that only escalates the problem. Finally, be aware of your partners triggers, if you know a certain way of saying something hurts wounds that they have communicated to you before, be aware and mindful to not try to make the wound deeper.
T is for tolerance. It is easy to get trapped in black and white, right and wrong thinking. If you are certain you are right, maybe you are, but you probably have discovered that insisting you are right does not get you very far in connection. You have to decide, is it more important for me to be right, or to be connected?
Tolerance means that you can accept that there are two valid perceptions to a situation, so there might be something worth learning from your partner's viewpoint.
Transforming criticisms into wishes and needs - Unless your partner is seeking out criticism, if
you present the problem as criticism, your partner will always be defensive. Some examples of what this sounds like, instead of saying "stop sulking!" change it to " I wish you would tell me what's making you sad." Or, "Stop ignoring me!" change it to "I need your attention." It is one of the most vulnerable things we can do to express what we need. If this has not been modeled to you, or you haven't practiced, it can feel very exposing and awkward. When you express what you need, it requires that you trust that your partner is wanting to know what you need, and willing to do something about it.
Listener's Job
Understanding, not problem solving. This is not a time for advice, this a time to help your partner feel heard. Saying things like "lighten up," "you're too sensitive," or "it wasn't that bad!" are all making judgements on their experience and are rarely effective. Try instead something like "Help me understand," or "I hear you." Another thing to consider is that this is not the time to rescue your partner from uncomfortable emotions. For some partners they go into problem solving mode to try to "resolve the issue" their way. While that may be important later on, that is not the goal during this time. The goal is to help your partner feel heard and understood, so that they can also help you feel heard and understood. Instead of, "What if you try_____" or "next time you should______" try "what else are you feeling?" "Is there more you want to say?"
N is for Non-defensive listening
"It is the speaker's responsibility to avoid flooding you, but it's also necessary for you to soothe yourself."
It can feel overwhelming to listen to a hurt partner, because it can feel like you are absorbing everything they bring up. That feeling of overwhelm is very common, and that is why conflicts can escalate quickly. Taking time like this to take turns and hear one another is difficult because it requires emotional regulation for both partners. Some strategies for soothing yourself during a conflict:
Pause and breathe- Take a minute to take deep breaths, focus on relaxing your muscles.
Write down what your partner says and any defensiveness you're feeling. Writing dow "I am feeling defensive, but I will get my turn to talk" can help some people because it helps them feel heard to have expressed it, but they are still waiting their turn.
Remember your love and respect- repeat to yourself "In this relationship we do not ignore one another's pain. I have to understand this hurt." Fill your mind with all of the ways your partner demonstrates love to you, this will help you come out of a defensive stance and remind you of the reason you are enduring this uncomfortable conversation.
E is for EMPATHY. Validate your partner's viewpoint. This does not mean you have to abandon your perspective, it just means that you hear what they said and can see it from their perspective. For example, "It makes sense to me that you would need me to be on time," or " I understand why you wouldn't want to ________." Saying that you understand or it makes sense does not mean that you have experienced it before, or that you agree with what they are saying, but simply that you are able to put yourself into their situation and view it from their perspective. This is one of the most helpful strategies to help your partner feel understood. When in doubt use empathy.
Comments