Safe Meadow Counseling is an ally of, and provides mental health services for the LGBTQIA+ community.
To celebrate Pride month I thought it would be appropriate to talk about a way to implement boundaries with pronouns. This information comes from Melissa Urban's The Book of Boundaries.
Here are some gentle reminders regarding pronoun etiquette to make it easier to love and respect everyone in your life.
Never assume gender based on how someone looks.
This one is pretty straight-forward. Never assume gender, period.
Avoid gendered terms like "sir/ma'am" or "ladies and gentlemen" when addressing people or groups.
Turns out there are a lot phrases and questions that are used in our culture just because they have always been used. Try some gender neutral phrases when talking to big groups of people like, "Good morning, Chattanooga!," "Hey! party people!," or my personal favorite since we are in the south, "Hi, Y'all!"
If you're referring to a stranger, don't guess their gender.
Urban suggests to use a descriptive term such as their occupation or their name. This sounds like, "will you bring this to the librarian?," "I just met Ashley, Ashley came with Alan."
When introducing yourself, volunteer your pronouns.
Leading with pronouns in an introduction can be an invitation in itself for someone to share their pronouns. It is also okay to ask someone to share their pronouns, and when you do, know that it is okay for them to say they prefer not to share.
Alternate with multiple pronouns.
If someone prefers to use multiple pronouns like "they/she," it is generally best to use both. It may also be considerate to ask what they prefer. This sounds like, "do you want me to use one pronoun more than the other?"
Be considerate of pronoun changes.
When someone is vulnerable and shares with you that they are going by new pronouns, respond with gratitude, they just took a risk to share that information. A helpful consideration can also be to ask if there are any circumstances, spaces, or groups of people that they would prefer you not use the new pronouns, to avoid outing someone.
If you use the wrong pronoun, quickly correct yourself.
This one is so important. Avoid lengthy apologies that force the person who was harmed by your mistake to then use up energy reassuring you by telling you its okay. Simply correct your mistake and move on. This sounds like, "Amber creates amazing art. She--I mean, they-- have many pieces available."
Make the damn effort.
Our memories are amazing, we learn new information about people ALL the time. If we can remember Nancy's neighbors best friend's dog's name, we can remember a pronoun change too.
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