This exercise is taken from the book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson.
It is difficult to name our feelings and emotions when we are upset, angry, or anxious.
The anger can feel too loud, or maybe you even draw a blank when you stop to think about what emotion is coming up. You are not alone. This exercise is something to practice when you are feeling anxious or down.
Ask yourself if you might be hiding deeper feelings.
Take a moment by yourself when feeling anxious to check in with yourself. Maybe take a deep breath to relax your body. Notice what you might be feeling in your body physically. See if you can name the feeling that is most readily available like, anger, frustration, anxiety.
Then ask yourself, What is the softer emotion underneath that feeling? Do I feel the emotion toward someone?
Use simple clear sentences to speak those deeper feelings.
It is important to speak (or whisper) your honest truth out loud. It might sound like "I don't like when this person ________," or "I feel hurt when this person says __________," or "I feel ________ when this person does ___________."
Using these phrase examples, try filling in the blanks. The phrases could include different emotions. When you say the phrases out loud notice how your body feels. It is easier to speak (or whisper) these things out loud if you are in safe space where you can remind yourself that you are safe, no one can hear you. This will allow your body to soften and feel more comfortable to share.
You will know your true hidden feelings when you feel relief.
Our bodies know when we feel heard and understood. When you speak the softer hidden emotion that is true to you, you will feel tension release in your body.
For example, if I was feeling anxious and upset, and found the phrase, "I feel hurt when she says I am not a good friend," I would start to feel the anxiety leave my body. The tension in my shoulders and stomach decreases, and I start to feel more sad about the hurt that I feel.
Notice what comes up for you when you name the softer hidden feelings under the anxiety and upset.
It may not be necessary to confront the other person.
Some people think that what they need is for the person to hear how we feel, and sometimes that is true. However, for this exercise the most important part is to hear the true hidden emotion and feel the physical relief of validating your own emotions.
If you give it some time, and still feel like you need that person to know your true emotion, you are more likely to communicate it in a clear and kind way because you have identified the hidden feeling, and have felt relief from your own validation.
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