From the podcast We Can Do Hard Things with guest Melissa Urban
Boundaries can be difficult to set, because often people who need them set make it very difficult for the person setting them. Melissa Urban gives helpful insight into how to set and hold boundaries in the episode of We Can Do Hard Things, How to Set & Hold Boundaries.
How do we know when we need to set a boundary?
Some signs of needing to set a boundary with one or more people may feel similarly to these scenarios. If after you spend time with someone you review the conversation over and over again in your mind, wishing you had said something different. Or if you notice something feels off when you are spending time with someone. Or if you notice that your emotions are determined by the other persons mood, and everything you do is to keep the peace with this person.
Energy Leakage
Everything that we do whether talking with people, looking on social media, or interacting with the internet in some way there is energy exchange. Anytime there is more energy spent than gained is called energy leakage, and is worth considering setting a boundary so as not to lose more energy than is being given back to you.
"Boundaries are never telling other people what to do. They are not about controlling other people, they are about telling other people what you will to do to keep yourself safe and healthy. "
What does it sound like to set boundaries?
It can be difficult to set boundaries because it may be new vocabulary that you have not practiced yet. And often when we feel like we need a boundary, because it is usually another person that feels invasive, we often feel the need to control them. That can sound like "You need to stop talking about _______." or "I need you to change ________, this is my boundary." However, if you think of it as putting up a fence in your own yard to keep yourself safe, it is less about controlling the other persons behavior, and more about keeping yourself safe. You are not going into your neighbors yard and removing items or adding fences, but instead putting up your own ways of distancing to increase safety within your yard. This sounds like, "I will not engage in conversations that do not feel safe." or "If __________ happens again I will leave."
Sometimes it is a request especially with a partner because they cannot read your mind. Being able to ask before an argument ahead of time if they can agree to these terms, "I do not want to participate in conversations that feel unsafe, so I may need to take a break during conflict, will you be able to work with that."
The kindest thing is to set the boundary.
Their reaction about your boundary is not in your control. You will disappoint people, they may be mad, even so it is still the loving thing. To do the opposite, keeping in your feelings and not sharing, but passive aggressively being mad at someone, it is not fair to either person.
How to set flexible boundaries?
Take a pause and check in with yourself and say "what is it that I need in this moment to help me feel safe?" This will help you avoid reacting to the stimulus that feels overwhelming and to set boundaries that are to keep you safe instead of trying to control others or make boundaries that are too rigid.
Often if someone has experienced trauma or has spent their whole life pushing their safety aside or not setting boundaries, once they find their voice and ability to set boundaries they start laying brick walls to keep people far away. With rigid, stone walls, you will be isolated and alone just as much as it keeps people away. I encourage clients to view it as a wooden fence with a gate, it just enough separation, but there is flexibility to allow people to come in, and for you to go out when needed.
There are many more tips for setting and holding boundaries in the podcast, I just wanted to highlight a few that come up frequently for many clients. Hopefully these will be helpful reminders, if your interest is peaked and you want to learn more, check out the full podcast on spotify, or where you listen to your podcasts.
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