When we think of making mental health changes in our life we often go to images of muscling through, being strong, repetition, practicing hard things, or being judgmental and critical of ourselves until we "figure it out."
Or maybe we go for more of an avoidant approach, "this uncomfortable feeling is not that bad," "I'm not really that sad," "I'm fine, it's fine, we are FINE."
On this sunny Friday, I bring you a gentle approach to mental health. One that requires strength and courage, but actually feels like slowing down, being patient, and practicing self-compassion, gentleness, and kindness with ourselves.
Inspired by this quote from Mr. Fred Rogers, "If I'm sad about something, and I dismiss my sadness by saying, "Oh, well, it was for best," then I'm probably not willing or able to explore how I'm feeling. If I'm angry with someone, and I say, "Oh, it doesn't matter, I don't care." then I probably don't know what I'm really feeling. "
On the other hand, if we can allow ourselves to be gentle with ourselves no matter what our feelings may be, we have the chance of discovering the very deep roots of who we are.
I believe the suggestion from Fred Rogers to be gentle with ourselves is where healing happens. Fred Rogers was not a therapist, psychologist, or counselor, but he was comfortable with sitting in silence, he knew how to respect and love children, and he had insights to emotions that were completely counter-cultural in his time and yet hold so much truth.
Okay, but how do we be gentle with ourselves? Self compassion, gentleness, and kindness all sound like a great idea, and it is something that is easier said than done.
Take cognitive reframing for example. You are having negative intrusive thoughts, and you would like them to not be there anymore. From a Cognitive Behavior Therapy(CBT) approach you and your therapist might work together to identify the intrusive thoughts, and challenge the cognitions, and/ or reframe them. Over time, the more you practice your reframe and challenge the negative thoughts the more control you have over your thoughts, and your intrusive thoughts happen less frequently(that is an oversimplified version of the process). CBT is supported by research and is very structured, and can be a useful tool to help manage anxiety and depression for many people.
But what if we add this concept of self compassion and gentleness? What if alongside the CBT we turn to our anxious thoughts, and embrace them? (why would we do that, silly? We just acknowledged that I don't want the negative thoughts). Our anxiety is our brain's way of keeping us safe, so telling it to stop doesn't compute, it just makes the anxiety louder. And that is why CBT reframing can be so helpful, viewing it from a different perspective such as "it is your brain's way of keeping you safe." But then add in patience, gentleness, and compassion.Compassion for yourself sounds like, "it makes sense that I am thinking this or feeling this way." Gentleness is the embrace, the patience that you have with yourself when feeling anxious or overwhelmed. A part of you is feeling scared and so it wants to help protect you.
What would you do with a child who is feeling scared, tell her to be quiet and to stop? No, you would embrace her, hold her, and tell her she is safe. That is what I, and Mr. Rogers, suggest to add to your process of healing. Stay curious and ask that part of you "why are you feeling scared?" She may not know, and that is okay, and you can reassure her that she is safe.
The truth is, our brains are wired for connection and safety. When we approach growing and healing with a relational and emotional approach we are more likely to see the change we want.
This approach to therapy is influenced by Internal Family Systems(IFS), I did not make it up, and neither did Mr. Rogers. If you would like to learn more about IFS or CBT ask your therapist or check out some of these books.
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