For most the holidays is a time to connect with family and relatives that are not in your daily life, for some it is a joyous experience to come together as a family. However, for some it can
be challenging to be in the same room with family members. For some, this is when uncomfortable topics such as "when are you having kids?" "what did you think about the midterm election?" or "when are you going to propose?"
Brené Brown writes in her book Braving the Wilderness,
"If your family is anything like mine, you've been required to summon love and decency in the face of emotions that range from minor frustration to rage."
Hopefully, for the most part your family has learned to adapt, and so have you. Maybe adaptation has looked like only visiting extended family for a limited amount of time, or maybe having a Friendsgiving in addition to or instead of spending time with family.
But if you spend time with family, and you feel like you are hiding frustration behind decency, it may be helpful to have a few tips to manage those difficult emotions. In Brené Brown's chapter People are hard to hate close up. Move in. she explores some helpful themes of managing emotion. It is a helpful chapter, and I will not get into all of the themes presented, but I wanted to focus on her discussion of anger.
She writes,
Our families and culture believed that the vulnerability that it takes to acknowledge pain was weakness, so we were taught anger, rage, and denial instead. But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.
How do we own our emotion instead of letting it own us? Start with naming it. If you notice yourself feeling something, check in with your self. Ask yourself these two questions,
1. Where do I feel it in my body?
2. What emotion word would you ascribe to that feeling?
Once you name it, find a way to express it in a healthy way. This means, doing something physically to release the tension in your body, AND doing it in a way that does not harm others physically or emotionally. Here are some ways to help release that tension.
For example, if I find myself feeling frustrated about something at the dinner table. I will check in with my body, and discover I feel the frustration in my stomach, and tension in my shoulders. I then name it as frustration, hurt, or anger. Then, I excuse myself to the bathroom or outside(whichever is accessible), and then do a progressive muscle relaxation exercise, or wave my arms in the air to help release the tension out of my shoulders.
If nothing else, know that you are not alone in feeling strong emotions when around family, and think of me waving my arms in the bathroom for a good laugh. Happy Holidays for those who celebrate!
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